Six-Pack Pumpkin Beer Review (Warning: Kill Bill spoilers ahead)


Autumn is a glorious time. Hooded sweatshirts. Colorful leaves. And pumpkin beer.

The topic of pumpkin beer can be quite contentious among beer connoisseurs. Some believe it’s the product of taking a low-quality beer, dumping pumpkin spice into it, and charging an extra 30%. Then, there are people like me who say, “I haven’t bathed today. Where’s the pumpkin beer?” Because in that scenario, I’m bathing with beer and not water. See how that works? (I hate it when I have to explain my jokes.)

Anyway, for those who are pumpkin beer lovers, I tried six beers and wrote a little review about them. And I did it in one sitting!*

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale (7% ABV)

This is a fairly local beer for me and I have to say this was a good beer to start. It’s spice-forward with pumpkin in the back; however, the aroma isn’t strong. Pretty mellow for a Dogfish Head, which can be strong, if you ask me.

You know what would be fun right about now? If I watched Kill Bill!

The St. Louis Brewery Schlafly Pumpkin Ale (8.0% ABV)

It’s like I’m Vernita Green and the Bride is cloves. Because I am being thrown into a table by cloves. The weird thing is that I can’t decide if I like it. Maybe if I had some chips to balance it? Do a salty-sweet thing. Dammit, I don’t have chips, but I do have fries. No, I shouldn’t. These beers have plenty of carbs.

God, I hate Buck. I’m glad his sunglasses were stolen off of his twitching corpse. Such an asshole.

Southern Tier Warlock Imperial Pumpkin Stout (8.6% ABV)

Lucy Liu is such a badass. Best. Monologue. Ever.

Hey, I started drinking this beer. So much is happening right now. The spices are tough to discern because of high alcohol content, but the taste builds as I drink. The smell is innocuous so it wouldn’t make someone think they were drinking a strong beer. It’s the ninja of beers. So sneaky.

Holy shit, her daughter is still alive! I totally forgot about that. I have to watch Volume 2.

Southern Tier Cold Press Coffee Pumking Imperial Pumpkin Ale (8.6% ABV)

She is going to kill Bill like I’m going to kill this beer! This is awesome! I’ll be honest, I was getting a little sleepy, but the coffee element and minimal spices are really picking me up. The smelly smell is like regular beer, but there’s a viscous mouthfeel. Of course, that could be my tongue getting fuzzier. That’s funny. Fuzzy tongue.

Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale (6.7% ABV)

I’m being told I should eat something. Fine! I want cheese fries. Who’s winning here? It’s not you Daryl Hannah. You and your eye are fucked! Sorry, I forgot I’m not supposed to swear and I am supposed to tell you about the beer. It’s not overly spiced and it’s low in pumpkin taste. But would I even want that taste with my newly arrived cheese fries? It doesn’t matter at this point. Nothing is taking cheese fries away from me. Nothing!

New Belgium Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin (6.4% ABV)

Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the beer to go with cheese fries and killing Bill. You are going to die! Although, I do really like his Superman monologue. Have you been watching Supergirl?! I haven’t started the new season but I’m shipping Alex and Sam so hard. They’re both so pretty and deserve love. Sigh.

Oh, beer. Right! This beer is no joke, hands down delicious! It walks the perfect line of sweet and spicy. The heat is present for every sip, but doesn’t build. Reminds me of a really good Mexican hot chocolate I had once. So warm. So comforting. Makes me sleepy just thinking about it.

I’m gonna go to bed now. Night. Night.

*This is a complete lie. I drank 6 beers over the course of 3 weeks. It’s important to drink responsibly.